What It Means
by GoWashTheLights
Summary: Jim Kirk never knew what he signed up for when he joined the war. Leonard McCoy never knew what being divorced really meant. When the two meet, they're still picking up the pieces of what they view as mistakes in their lives. They struggle and try to adjust back into daily life, and find out just how much they need each other. AU McKirk,warnings and additional information inside.
1. Chapter One

**Author Note:** Hello! I invite you to take the time to read this first, as it's important :) This is based off of a 1950s AU oneshot I did on AO3, and I was encouraged to continue with it. I sat down, unsure of what to write...and the words just started jumping onto the page! I'm very happy with this story, and so much so that I decided to post it here, as well. However, there are a number of triggers which I'll be mentioning below. If you feel okay to continue reading, please do. If you don't, that's fine. Sometimes I've had a hard time mentioning triggers, but I'm trying to be better about it. Thank you for reading!

**WARNINGS:** AU, War violence, minor character death, period-typical homophobia, secret relationships, suicide attempts, alcohol abuse, sex (both romantic and one-night stands).

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Star Trek, its characters, etc.

I believe those are all. Again, thank you :)

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><p>Chapter One<p>

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><p>Jim walked down the sidewalk at a snail's pace, clutching the opened letter in his hand. His heart pounded the entire way home, and more than once he felt he might be sick. He didn't regret his decision, but that didn't lessen the blow of reality now faced before him.<p>

He opened the fence to his yard and headed in, then walked up the porch steps and made his way into the house. He could hear his mother humming quietly, and he nearly suffocated. How long would it be before he got to hear that sweet voice again? He thought of his father, and wondered what George Kirk would say if he were alive. Would he be proud?

"Jim, is that you?"

Jim cleared his throat. "Y-Yes, mom. Come here a second, I need to tell you."

Winona strode in, wiping down her damp hands from cleaning dishes. "What did you say? I couldn't hear you," She trailed off, frowning at her son. He looked guilty, like he'd done something wrong and was now facing punishment. "What's wrong?"

Jim couldn't life his eyes as he handed over the paper. "Got this from the post office today. Before you read it, I want you to know that I'm doing this because I...I have to."

Winona took the paper, and after a moment of reading her jaw set. She turned and shuffled back into the kitchen, sitting at the table. Jim slowly made his way in, and finally decided to sit down next to her. She'd finished reading now, her gaze set firmly forward. "Jim, why are you doing this?"

"Mom, I have to. If I don't go, I'm never going to be anybody but George Kirk's son - "

Winona turned her eyes sharply. "It shouldn't matter. You think I haven't had to deal with my own reputation? Your father didn't have a choice, and he certainly didn't die for you to throw your life away."

"I'm not throwing my life away," Jim insisted, his voice turning on edge. "I'm defending our country, and I think he'd be proud."

Winona sighed, and reached out to take his hand. "I know he would, Jim. I just don't understand why you're choosing to leave, when you're all I have left. Don't you know how much you mean to me?" She had tears in her eyes, rare and shining against her lashes. "You're twenty-one - you have your entire life to settle down, find someone..."

Jim shook his head. "Mom, you know that will never happen."

After a long moment, Winona sighed and ran a hand down the side of his face. "Oh, Jim. You grew up, and I didn't even notice...why'd you do it?" She smiled, and brushed her thumb against his cheek. He took her hand in his, encasing it completely. "You're sure this is what you want to do?"

Jim nodded. "I have to," he repeated. "I'll never forgive myself if I don't try."

"...All right. Well, you have a week left. Time to get packed up and say some farewells."

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><p>Leonard tossed in another folded shirt, the last one he could cram into his suitcase. It was the last of everything, really, and he already had the key to his new home in his pocket. He remembered the last time he'd packed his bags, and it had been a much happier time. Jocelyn was three months pregnant, they were four months married, and he finally had the money to support them both and move from his parent's home.<p>

Just five years later, Jocelyn had decided enough was enough, and had fallen into the arms of another man. Then two, and then three. The fourth, Leonard had caught in their very own bed. He clipped the case shut, looking around the half-empty room. His desk was cleared, soon to be replaced by whatever Josie meant to put there. The closet was half-filled, a gaping space the size of the one in Leonard's heart.

He heard the door open, and turned to face the woman in question. She was somber, the least angry he'd seen her in a while, as she murmured, "She finally stopped crying."

"Is she asleep?" Leonard asked, and Jocelyn shook her head. "Good. That means you have no right to keep me from sayin' goodbye."

He strode past her, ignoring the shame she had the nerve to put on her painted face. Leonard walked down the hall, and when he reached the living room, he found his tiny five year old girl sitting on the sofa, clutching the bear he'd given her. "Jo, baby."

Joanna looked up at him, and immediately rushed into his arms. "Don' go, daddy!" She sobbed. He fell to his knees and held her, trying to remain strong. "I love you. Love you, daddy..."

"I..." Leonard tested his voice, and it broke immediately. Hot, prickling tears blinded him, and he whimpered against her beautiful curls. "I love you, too, sweetheart. I'll always love you, no matter where I am."

"No," she cried, stroking his chest. "You can't go. We hafta play and laugh, and you can tell stories..." Her voice rose with each suggestion, and she broke down all over again.

"Come on, Joanna," Leonard tried to be stern. "Don't cry, now. You have to be my big girl, my beautiful grown up girl. I'll visit for your birthday, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I'll call you all the time."

She sniffled for a good while, but he whispered and murmured all the love a father had into her ear. She finally calmed down, and slunk from his arms. Then she gave her teddy bear one last hug, and shoved it into his arms. "Will you take care of Charlie for me?"

"Oh, honey, Charlie is here for you - "

"No. He looked out for me a long time. I want him to protect you, because he loves you."

Leonard sighed, and fresh tears leaked from his eyes. "Okay, Jo. I'll let Charlie look after me. He might wanna come back, though. He doesn't like bein' away from you very long, you know that."

Joanna nodded, and a small smile crept onto her lips. "Yes. He loves me lots, too. I love you, Daddy."

He hugged her a final time, then stood and got into his coat and hat. "I love you, too, angel." As he turned back, he found Jocelyn there. A touch of regret settled on her face, and Leonard felt his shoulders slump. He reached out, and she took his hand. He kissed her knuckles, then let her hand drop and turned out the door. The house wasn't far away, and the day was at least a nice one.

Leonard felt walking was much needed, and took deep breaths as he strode down the street. When he reached the square, he was stopped by a mass of people, waving handkerchiefs, some crying, some cheering. Covered trucks drove in succession, and some of the soldiers inside reached out to touch the hands extended to them. Leonard patiently waited, giving an honoring salute to the young men going off to win or die. As a doctor, Leonard had never been given the opportunity to serve on front lines, but he'd served those who had. Too many times he'd placed sheets over slack bodies, mourned when too much blood had been lost.

This was the world they lived in. Leonard had lived through two wars now, and this was the third and most likely not the last. People fought and took and killed for the things they wanted, leaving a wake of destruction in their path. Leonard looked back in the direction of his old house, then as the final truck passed he made his way to his new one.

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><p>This is mainly just an exposition into the story, as I planned on posting a week from now. This will have six chapters, posted weekly on Wednesdays. Reviews are more than welcome! I am not the most historically-savvy person (but I tried!) so if you notice anything that I've mis-posted, feel free to mention. Constructive critiques are welcome as well.<p> 


	2. Chapter Two

**Author Note:** Thanks for reading this week!

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><p>Chapter Two<p>

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><p>First, there was the ride on the train. It was a nice one, and Jim had only been on it a couple of times. He sat by the window, one foot propped up on the opposing seat, and watched the city become the country side, become nothing but plains. Jim's anxiety began to fade, and he even had a small smile on his lips after a bit. His mother had given him a tight hug, no tears involved, before he'd hopped into the waiting truck. He'd watched her the entire way down the street, and he and the others received a nice reception in the square.<p>

On the way to the station, the man next to him had patted his shoulder. "Hey, kid, what's your name?"

"James Kirk," Jim introduced. "You can call me Jim."

The dark-haired man smiled and gripped Jim's hand. "Gary Mitchell. I've already been out a while, just got back for a bit of therapy, and now I'm off again."

"Oh," Jim blinked. "What happened?"

Gary just smiled and patted his leg. "Got too close to a mine. Didn't take my leg, thankfully, and it wasn't too serious. God was watching me that day." He said it reverently.

"Well, it's good you're doing better."

When everyone was shuffled onto the platforms, tickets in hand, Gary was taken to guide the other recruits together. He said for Jim to watch out for him, so they could get to know each other better. Jim sat alone now, but suddenly he saw movement in the corner of his eye and turned to it. Instead of Mitchell, like he'd expected, there was an older man standing over him.

Pleasant face, stern, with a glimmer of amusement constantly in his eyes. "James Kirk, I'm Captain Pike."

Jim stood immediately, giving a salute. "Yes, sir, good to meet you, sir."

"At ease," Pike replied, and he took a seat opposite Jim. "I'm just going around and checking in with the newest arrivals. Commander Mitchell told me you said you willingly signed up."

Jim nodded seriously. "I did, sir. Not that I would have had a chance anyhow, since the draft opened up the day before I left."

Pike nodded knowlingly. "That was a stressful morning. Honestly, if we'd kept the draft going ten years ago, we would be much better off. Not enough men are willing to just go and sign their lives away - you're something special, son."

Jim stilled at the word. He'd been called that before, but the word seemed to fall from Pike's lips with a fatherly grace. Tender and loving, like he already considered Jim his own. "T-Thank you, sir."

Pike looked at him seriously, seemed to choose his words, then replied, "I knew your father. I wasn't there when he died, but I'll tell you one thing - he is the hero people claim him to be. He'd be proud of your decision to fight, Kirk." Pike stood then, and patted Jim's shoulder. "Remember that when you're out there."

Jim watched him leave, and sat in awed silence for a long while. When he'd collected his thoughts, he rummaged through his bag and pulled out the one picture his mother had given him. It was of his father - young and smiling and alive. Immortalized into paper, and all Jim had. He pressed the picture to his lips, tucked it away, and continued to watch the world go by.

Once the train reached its location, the soldiers all piled in for another cramped truck ride. They finally stopped at a camp site by the ocean to eat and stretch, get some fresh air before signing in. The boat would be heading out in two months, whether the men were ready or not. Until then, it was basic training and becoming soldiers, just like so many before them. Jim was taken to the barracks, where the beds were tucked nearly side-by-side. He was assigned his cot, then left alone to get his bags settled. The other soldiers were laughing, smoking and playing cards; after a moment of feeling lost, Jim spotted Mitchell waving over to him.

"Hey, Jim," he introduced once Jim arrived, "these are they guys I've been stuck with for the last few months. It's a shame for the close quarters - these ones are really smelly."

"Yeah, like you're any better, Mitchell," one man chided, and the others and Jim laughed. Gary just shook his head and guided Jim over to grab blankets and a pillow.

"Ignore them. Well, let's see," He walked with Jim back over to his bed, "you don't have much, which will be nice for practicing moving camp. A word of advice, dress in an extra layer at night - being by the ocean makes it almost unbearable at the early hour we have to rise. I'll try to stay close to you your first week - you're going to want a familiar face helping you," he laughed.

Jim nodded, and patted Gary's shoulder. "Thank you, sir." He let it linger there for a bit, just long enough to let the spark fade. Gary was handsome, and there was no way this man could ever be interested in him, but...Jim could imagine. He'd only ever had one relationship, when he'd realized his preference at fifteen, but it hadn't worked out. The other boy had decided that being gay was completely wrong, a sin. Jim finally shook himself from thought, and smiled. "Thanks, Commander."

"Jim, just call me Gary," came the reply, and when the man reached out to pat Jim's shoulder, Jim thought for a fleeting moment he saw the same spark in Gary's eyes.

The next day, it was announced that the training time would be taken back over four weeks. Soldiers who'd reached the beaches of Korea had been ambushed, and they'd lost a good number of men - more were needed now. Murmuring passed through the barracks, the worry and tension rising. Pike gathered the men together, and the air fell silent.

"Firstly, a moment of silence for those who have died." He waited, watched as each young face began to sober up, and those wearing hats placed them over their chest. "This is what you're heading into. With things so heavy, all we can teach you are the absolute basics. Some of you have never even seen a gun in real life, some have. Most of you have experienced the loss of a loved one - grandparent, aunt or uncle, perhaps a father or a mother. Never forget that you could be that loved one. War isn't about revenge and heading into danger head first. It's mutual understanding of defending one's rights, of honor and pride. This news gives you all a chance to let that really sink in, because it's the last advice you'll be given before you step onto those lands."

The camp was quiet for the rest of the night. The rain fell, so after grabbing their portions, the men tucked back into their beds with blankets tossed over them. Jim sat straight-backed,munching at his bread and vegetables as he thought. Pike's words ran over and over through his head, and again he felt he was spiraling downwards.

"Hey, Jim."

Jim snapped his head up. Gary was sitting at his side, looking serious. "You all right? Pike didn't spook you, did he?"

Jim gave a hollow smile. "No. Just...didn't think everything through."

Gary shook his head. "Neither did I. I remember when I got here, I was ready to kick some ass. When I got my training - and I was lucky, you guys only have a few weeks - I was headstrong and careless. I carried that into the field, and that's how I got hurt. I had a lot of time to think in that hospital bed, and now I think I've got a better idea of how to handle things. You'll be okay, Jim, you're smarter than me."

"I'm not really that..." Jim began.

"No, really. You understand what you can do, what you're capable of. Just keep that chin up, okay?" Gary reached out, and took Jim's chin into his fingers. His thumb brushed the soft skin, and lingered there a long moment. They only pulled away when someone finally noticed and whistled.

"Ooh, looks like Gar found a pet!" The comment was drowned in a few more cat-calls and cocky jeers.

"Shut up," Gary grumbled, but after a moment he met eyes with Jim and smiled.

Things between them definitely began to shift after that. Jim and Gary were inseparable - Gary even had himself moved to the bed next to Jim's. He helped Jim through the grueling training process. A month was not enough, but it was all they had and Jim took advantage of that. He was already in good shape, so he didn't have to spend much time on exercises before gun practice. Then there were tactical maneuvers to learn, which Jim put his heart and soul into. When the last day rolled around, Jim was exhausted but feeling accomplished.

The hour was early. The other men were fast asleep, snoring away and grumbling incoherently. Jim lay on his side, awake, and watched as Gary woke a short while later. "Hey," Jim whispered.

"Mmn, hey," Gary stretched and yawned. "Jeez, is it even light out?"

Jim shook his head. He watched as Gary stood up, then plopped down right against Jim's hip. "So," Jim began, "Today's the day. Will you be there on the other side?"

Gary smiled, and snaked his hand around Jim's waist. "Course I will. But, uh..." He hesitated. "Assuming I'm not, that I have to go somewhere else just for a bit...I think I need to do something before it's too late."

Jim lifted his head a little in concern, eyes widening. "What? Aren't you coming with us?"

"I am, but I might be posted elsewhere. Just in the beginning, Jim. My leg still isn't good, and they need healthy guys like you on the front lines. Now, about that thing I need to do..." He shuffled closer, then leaned in until the tips of their noses touched. Their lips finally met, and Jim stiffened. Gary was patient, and finally Jim relaxed and kissed back. He reached up and tangled his hands into Gary's hair, his heart beating like a drum.

Gary smiled through it. When he pulled away, he whispered, "I had to take a chance. I wasn't sure if you were...but I am. The guys tease me, but they keep it a secret because we respect each other." He stroked Jim's face. "You're so young, Jim. So full of life and energy. Don't you dare lose it - don't let this war take that sunshine attitude."

They kissed again, and for the first time in his life, Jim felt safe.

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><p>Leonard woke slowly, and suddenly the pain hit him. His head pounded and his stomach ached, and when he rolled onto his side he winced. What the hell had happened last night?<p>

The grit of alcohol lingered on his teeth, and he suddenly gagged. He shot to unsteady feet and rushed to the bathroom, just in time to vomit into the toilet. His entire body tensed and shook, his throat burning from his empty stomach scraping against it. The wave finally seemed to pass, so he sat slumped with his sweating forehead against the bowl and flushed.

Drinking. He was a doctor, dammit, enforced things against this! His stomach still churned, but he felt okay to stand and make his way back to bed. It was now he saw the scene before him, and winced again. The sleeping figure of a red-haired beauty lie under his covers, and there were several bottles lying around. Leonard briefly realized he was naked before climbing back into bed, but he was too tired to make himself decent.

The girl stirred as he settled in, and turned towards him. She gave a sleepy smile, and Leonard returned what he hoped was a smile. "Good morning, sugar."

"Mornin', Gaila..."

"Did you sleep okay? You look a little woozy, honey." She kissed his shoulder, green eyes still on his hazel ones.

"Yeah, I'm a little hungover. Look, you can stay as long as you want, but I need sleep."

Gaila smiled and scooted closer, and kissed his chest. "That's fine, doll, It was fun, just so you know. You're a wild man, I gotta say," she giggled.

Leonard chuckled, but a pang of sadness hit him. He wished Jocelyn would have said that more, made him feel better about himself. He wondered if Gaila was just saying that for the money, but he had to not let himself get down. He needed comfort right now, and she'd given that to him. They cuddled in bed for a bit longer, and then Gaila kissed his forehead before slipping from the covers. Her last words were, "Any time you want me, honey, you know where to look."

As always, Leonard couldn't bring himself to contact his one-night stands. Most of them had been faces and names Leonard couldn't remember, but Gaila had been the most sweet to him. She was a playful cat, pulling Leonard in just by batting her pretty eyes. He was weak. He hadn't been able to keep a marriage going, and he kept falling in and out of love. It just wasn't enough, and he couldn't stand that he needed caring for.

He hated himself.

These thoughts had tormented him the last month. When he'd first started drinking, it was with a group of colleagues who congratulated him on finally being a man. He'd accepted the teasing, because it was the first time in a while he felt free. Right then, all that mattered was the alcohol, supportive friends, and solitude. For a while it kept him sane.

Then he would wake up alone. The house would be quiet, void of Jocelyn's beautiful face, Joanna's wonderful laugh as she hopped into bed between them. Making breakfast for his two ladies, working hard to keep a roof over their heads. His baby was only five - he'd had only five years to watch her grow, and now that time was gone. She'd be an adult before he knew it, and he would have no part in shaping her into the woman she would be.

He was a good man. He had to be. He kept telling himself this over and over, but the words just seemed hollow. With no one around to tell him that, it was only a matter of time before he began to believe the opposite. He drank his days away, coming into work hungover and grouchy. Snapping at his poor assistant, yelling at patients...he became infamous as Doctor McCoy - World's Angriest Man.

Soon, he was completely alone. No one wanted to sleep with him, and he wanted to sleep with no one. He wanted to die. He could do it, too, it wouldn't be hard. He had steady hands and knew where to cut, if that was the way to go. Drinking himself to death would take too long, and Jo would grow up and understand exactly who her father had become.

He finally made the decision one rainy night, during his bath. The water had gone cold, and he was beginning to shiver. He'd been there a couple hours, staring at the wall in hopes of finding the answer scrawled there. And then it happened. He began to slide down, the water covering his shoulders. Then his neck went under, and he lay completely on his back. His ears were swallowed up, silencing the world. Just when the tip of his nose was the last in, he heard it.

He didn't understand how he heard it - the phone was down the hall. Yet there it was, ringing clearly and crying out to him. He shot up, blinking away droplets, and listened. The phone just kept ringing and ringing. Leonard took a deep breath, clearing his head, and hopped from the tub. He wrapped himself in a towel, then hurried into the kitchen. He practically yanked the phone off the wall as he answered, "H-Hello? Yes?"

A pause. _"Oh, good, you're still awake. It's Joce."_

His heart nearly stopped. "I was beginning to forget what your voice sounded like."

She gave a long sigh on the other end. _"Listen, Leonard. Jo wanted to talk to you. She's been having nightmares and can't sleep."_

Leonard leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling weak again. His baby was suffering and it was all his fault. "Lemme talk to her."

_"Okay, here she is."_

Only a second passed before he heard, _"Daddy?"_

"Hi, sweetie," he cooed. "Momma said you're havin' bad dreams, darlin'. What about?"

_"...Can't 'member,"_ she admitted. _"I cried a lot, though. Last night, too, and I wanted you to come home. Can you come home, Daddy?"_

His knees gave out, but he was determined to keep his voice strong. "I...I can come visit. Soon, okay? Momma and I don't live together anymore, and you gotta understand it. I know it's real hard, but I know you can do it. I think about you every day, y'know that?"

_"You do?"_ She asked, and her voice became steady again. _"I think about you lots, too."_

"I know. Charlie is lookin' out for me, too. He wants to come see ya, so I'll bring him over."

_"Okay, Daddy. Will you read me a story when you come over? And sing a song to me?"_

"I will, baby. I promise I will. You think you can go on up to bed with Momma now? You feel better?"

_"...Yes,"_ came her reply, and it sounded sad. There was just nothing that could be done.

"Okay. Well, I love you. Let me talk to momma, now." He hugged his knees to his chest, trying to take deep breaths before Jocelyn returned.

_"Thanks, Len. She should be okay now."_

Leonard shook his head. "No, she won't. She'll never be the same, and you need to understand that. We had a good life, Josie. I was good to you, and you could never quite see that. All we can do now is be parents to her, and get her through this until she can take care of herself."

_"...I know. I...I...I'm thinking of you. Goodnight, Leonard."_

Leonard sat slumped, let the phone go so it could hang. He thought about what he'd just been about to do, how he'd nearly left Joanna behind in this cruel world. The thought turned his stomach, and he rushed to the bathroom. He stood hunched over it, but nothing came. Just the hot tears that spilled down his cheeks, his heart full of gratitude for another chance.


	3. Chapter Three

**Author Note:** This chapter is a tough one, so be warned.

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><p>Chapter Three<p>

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><p>"Get down, get down!"<p>

A huge explosion went off to Jim's left, and he let his entire body go limp as he jumped into the ditch. Several pairs of hands caught him, the other soldiers in their pathetic refuge. "Dammit!" Jim cursed breathlessly. "They were waiting for us..."

Gary squeezed his arm and pulled him close, looking torn between crying and laughing. "They always are, Jim. Ahh, where the hell is Finnegan?"

Jim looked down. "...I saw Finney a while ago. He's dead."

Gary sighed after a long moment. "Well, I'd be lying if I said I was really going to miss him." He shook his head in anger.

Jim just patted his shoulder. "It's okay, Gary. It's in the past."

So much had happened in the last two years. It seemed like this war was never going to end, and so many lives had been lost. The things Jim had been through even with his fellow soldiers - it was almost too much. Finnegan had been a highly decorated soldier, his reputation just as big as his ego. The Irish man was bold, harsh, and from the second he'd laid eyes on Jim, he'd found his new target. Finnegan was known for his moments of immaturity and pranks, and Jim and Gary had often been the test subjects.

Unfortunately, Gary and Jim had been trying their own testing at the same time - their relationship. It was secret and strained, but they tried. Once while in town, the soldiers had gone out for drinks after a successful raid. Gary had taken Jim outside to the back of the bar for some much needed alone time. The darkness gave them the privacy they needed, but Jim was still hesitant. "I really don't want us to get caught..."

Gary had pushed Jim gently against the wall, kissing the breath from him and telling him it would all be okay. "We'll make it, Jim," he'd whispered. He slid his hands over Jim's waist and hips, trying to comfort him. "When we get home, things will be different for us."

Jim kissed him again, but suddenly he gasped. "F-Finnegan," he spluttered.

Gary shook his head. "Forget him, Jim, he won't bother - "

"No," Jim hissed, pushing Gary away as he pointed. "Finnegan - Sir, we - "

Finney was already walking away. The next morning, Pike had been informed of the encounter. He called both Gary and Jim in, and the two had expected to be sent home immediately. The Captain stood there for a long moment, then softly said, "Listen. I'm not going to ask either of you any questions. What you do in your personal time is yours alone. However," he added, "try to be more...careful." He'd looked at Gary, who nodded solemnly. Jim hadn't even raised his gaze.

That was all he'd ever said. Jim had asked for things to slow down, for Gary's sake and his own, and Gary had hesitantly obliged. That didn't stop the harassment, though, and things from Finnegan only got worse. Jim remembered one time -

He heard another explosion go overhead, and suddenly dirt and rocks were flying over them. Jim coughed and tucked down against Gary's shoulder, holding his breath and shaking like a leaf. Then he felt Gary hold him, hushing him lightly. "It's okay, Jim, come on."

"Gary, I'm so tired. We can't run anywhere, can't - " Another blast, farther away, " - can't stay here. What the hell are we supposed to do?"

"Well, for starters, this," Gary whispered harshly, and kissed Jim with all the energy he had left. It wasn't much, but it was enough to clear Jim's head. It didn't even matter that the other soldiers were gawking. "Now," he said when they'd pulled away, "when I say go, you go, and you find Pike and tell him what's happening here. Tell him Finnegan's down, and that three other soldiers didn't make it through the field. I know those bastards are just waitin' to cut us down to size."

Jim gripped Gary's uniform shirt. "What about you?"

"You know I'll be fine. I finally got a piece of the action and I'm not letting it go. Now go!"

Jim grunted as he stood, adrenaline hitting him like a speeding train. There were shouts from who knew where, and bullets were suddenly flying. As Jim zigzagged down the only path towards camp, he felt rather than heard the next bomb drop. It rocked him off his feet, and he could feel the heat threatening to consume him. He landed in the grass, in the cover of the trees, and he looked back.

He shouldn't have. He knew he needed to get his tired legs to get him out of there. His heart was pounding, but it shattered at the sight. Where Gary had been, there was now a mass of bone and blood spattered onto the dirt. There was nothing left of Gary, and a terrible coldness hit Jim. He wasn't sure when he got to his feet, but they carried him through the small forest for miles. He could hear his breath heaving through his aching chest, the hot tears stinging his eyes, and the hole where his heart should have been. It was like a sinkhole he'd nearly fallen into once - except now he _was_ in it and couldn't get out. "Gary," he moaned, and the name died on his trembling lips.

When he made it to camp that night, people were scrambling around taking care of the wounded and dying. Jim made his way straight to Pike's tent, bursting in and collapsing to his knees. He felt Pike at his side, and when he looked up at the man he considered his father, he began to cry. "Gary's dead," he choked.

"Jim," Pike whispered. He brought Jim into his arms, holding him upright as he fell apart. "Jim, Jim..." There was nothing to say. It wasn't okay, there wasn't any hope for the young man right now. Just pain and agony. Pike was sure Jim felt as though his heart were being ripped apart.

"There was...I couldn't even..." Jim stammered. "I couldn't..."

"No, Jim," Pike said sternly. He took Jim's shoulder's, then raised one hand to brush away the dirt and tears. "You can't give up yet. You need to fight for Gary now, okay? Honor his name, and keep fighting. Do you understand me?"

Jim nodded, and he settled back into Pike's arms to finish grieving. "Finnegan's dead, too," he said in a small voice. "I...didn't want him to die, either."

"I know, Jim. That's what makes you who you are. You're still one of the most pure-hearted soldiers I've ever met."

Jim thought it would somehow get easier. That he'd have time to mourn and rest now that he was back at camp. The Northern defense had made their way into the South, so it wasn't long before the tents were set ablaze and people began to die.

Many of the natives had sharp sickles, used for shucking the grass and tall vegetables. Now they used it to shred away the skin of the soldiers, and blood splashed over the earth as if it'd been dumped from buckets. Jim found himself hiding, gun in hand and trying to catch his breath, when he noticed one of the natives being stoned to death.

The defending soldier was a young man named Hikaru Sulu. He was Korean-American, and had immigrated with his mother when he was only thirteen. He'd had to work hard for his citizenship, for his freedom, and the cold look in his eyes proved that. They'd once been soft, kind. Now they were hard and blackened by war, and as he brought the rock down onto his prey's face, it slipped into the mush of bone and blood and slipped onto the dirt.

Sulu's hands were bloodied as he heaved and growled, his face smeared with it, too. The young man stood and went off to find another one, taking the dropped weapon from his victim with him. Jim sat there in stunned realization - they were all monsters. There was no right or wrong in this, it was all primal killing. They were all just trying to survive.

Animals fighting for dominance.

"Jesus," Jim hissed. He suddenly couldn't breath, couldn't think, couldn't move. His body seized as he clutched at his matted hair, and he felt nothing but absolute fear. "God, what are we doing? What am I doing? Can't breathe...Gary, please, please, Gary, come back - "

He choked and gasped for air, wincing at the pain in his chest. He brought his hands up to cover his face and felt himself sweating. _I'm going to die, someone is strangling me, I can't breathe! _He thought he heard himself screaming, but he wasn't sure. Horrible sounds all melded together, entering his ears and building up in his pounding head.

Suddenly, the air was more quiet. He sat up straight, trying to get to his feet. Somewhere in his hazy mind, he realized he was alive and that he'd simply lost consciousness. His legs were heavy, but he managed to pull himself up and take stock of the sight before him. Bodies were _everywhere._

The attackers were gone. Some men sat huddled, strong men reduced to tears and howling into the evening sky. It was red now, fitting for the scene it stood over. Jim stumbled his way over to Pike's tent, and found it empty. He turned and caught the attention of two passing soldiers, who were carrying the body of another. "Where's the Captain?"

They shared a grave look, then motioned over to a group of men. Jim strode over now, his anxiety renewed, and there he found the fallen man. He'd been laid out, eyes closed, a blanket wrapped up to his chest. "He died defending us," one kid said.

Jim fell to his knees, his eyes wide. Fresh tears fell down his face. He had no words as he clutched at Pike's shoulder, resting his head onto the man's chest. Christopher Pike, the only family he had right now, was gone. He wasn't sure how long he was there, but eventually he felt someone pulling him away from the scene. When he looked over his shoulder, he found young Pavel, one of the recruits straight off the boat three months ago.

"Zere was...nothing anyone could do, sir," he spoke softly. "He vould be happy, knowing you are alive right now."

Jim just shook his head, tears still staining his cheeks. He knew that the kid was just trying to help, but the words did little to console him. He spent the night staring up at the black sky, wondering why any of this had to happen.

Eight months later, a miracle occurred - it was announced that the war was officially over. Crowded around a dying radio, the men cheered. They were posted a new area, closer to the ocean and safe for the time being. There hadn't been an attack in a week, and now they new why. Jim had long since been promoted to Captain, having served as Pike's first officer beforehand. The men clapped and cheered, shaking hands and praising the Lord, but Jim remained quiet. He wandered outside, and for the first time in three years, breathed. He was going home.

The boat took only the living home, leaving countless bodies behind. Jim sat up with some of the injured and ill, even though others thought he was foolish for exposing himself to them. Secretly he wished for it, to be so sick he could die, just so he could see Gary again. He'd never been one to get very sick, though, and was ship-shape as he stepped back onto American soil. It was like his life was going in reverse. Off the boat, onto a truck, across the states on a train, and finally the last truck home. He stood in the square, listening to his hometown cheer for him and others, and he was right back where he'd started.

Only this time, he had no purpose, no desire to do anything. People were dead and it was all his fault; he barely registered the voices around him as he made his way down the streets. When he arrived at his house, his mother was there. She wasn't much for crowds, either, but she'd been waiting patiently for her one and only son to come back to her.

He opened the gate, and it was like he'd opened up the door holding his emotions. He rushed into her arms, fell to his knees, and cried. "I'm home, Mom. Finally home."

She cried with him, and kissed his face over and over again. "Lord, you look so different, Jim Kirk. Grown up," she smiled. "What do you want to do? You're probably exhausted, right? Do you want to eat anything?"

Jim just held her close and shook his head. "No, this is fine," he mumbled thickly. "Just this."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Dad, you're coming to my birthday, right?"<p>

Leonard smiled as he leaned casually against the kitchen wall. "'Course, honey. Now, what day was it again?"

"Daddy..."

"Oh, that's right, it's the twentieth. You're turnin' eighteen, right?"

"No!" She giggled. "I'm gonna be eight!"

Leonard shook his head. "My goodness, where did the time go? You sure you want your old daddy at your party?"

"Of course! I won't have the party without you. Oh, momma wants to talk to you. Love you!"

"Love you, too."

After a beat, Jocelyn spoke. "Well, I won't take much of your time. So, you'll be there?"

"Wouldn't miss it, Jocelyn." There was a bit of indifference in his voice, but it was no longer the cold tone he'd given her in the past. There wasn't as much bitterness between him and Jocelyn.

It had been a long three years. When Leonard had taken up drinking, Jocelyn had understandably threatened him with taking away his visitation rights. For a while Leonard accepted that, just because he couldn't bear having Jo see him this way. When he'd finally gotten help and a good therapist, he made the first call in almost two years. Jo had cried, but she'd been happy to hear him. Jocelyn had reminded him for good measure what his absence had done to her. Leonard just accepted it and tried to move on. He was trying to be different, and hoped she could see that. It was no longer a game of blaming the other, just, "What can we do for Joanna?"

Now she was turning eight, and he could hardly believe it. She was a skinny thing now, had lost almost all her baby fat. Her hair was long and beautiful and curly, and Jocelyn could admit she looked more like her daddy. Joanna prided herself on that, and it made Leonard feel a hell of a lot better.

They went out to eat on weekends, at a new place that had just opened up. It sold soda and shakes, burgers, fries, and most of the young kids went there. Families, too, so Leonard saw it as a good investment. Joanna surprised her parents when she said all she wanted was to spend her special day with them, at the diner, just like before.

"You don't want to have lunch with your friends?" Jocelyn had asked. She'd already sent the invitations out.

"Nope we can have the party later, okay? Please, mommy, I just want it like before, with dad, on my birthday."

So, the two adults consented and did all they could for their princess. They walked with Joanna between them, ordered their food, and enjoyed a meal. And just for a moment, it was like old times. After the party and all the kids and parents had gone, Leonard held a sleeping Joanna in his lap. Afraid to move, he cleared his throat. "You wouldn't mind if I, uh, tucked her in, would ya?"

Jocelyn shook her head. "Adam and I will start cleaning up." Adam was Jocelyn's fiance, and they were getting married in November, of all months. Leonard had kindly suggested they wait until the weather was half-decent, but Jocelyn simply said she had her reasons. Leonard hadn't missed when her hand had briefly passed over her stomach as she said it.

In Joanna's room - which was starting to look a little more grown up - Leonard set her in bed, pulled the covers over her, and smiled as she opened her sleepy eyes. "Hey, darlin'. I gotta go now, but I love you. Happy birthday, big girl."

She smiled and sat up to hug him for a long time, then laid back down. "Thanks, daddy. Love you, too. Call me soon."

"Okay." He kissed her forehead, smoothed her hair out, and left. In the living room, he cleared his throat for Jocelyn and this Adam fellow to see him out. Adam, admittedly, was a good guy, and politely stuck out his hand. Leonard took it after a moment. "Congrats on the engagement," Leonard mumbled.

Jocelyn hugged him quickly. "You'll come, won't you?"

"If Jo wants me to. I'll do it for her." He felt her nod, and finally pull away. "Don't ask her, let her decide on her own. She's going to have a new father soon, and she needs to get used to him being the dad."

Leonard felt more than tired when he got home. Spending large amounts of time with Jocelyn was exhausting, but it was worth it. He decided to wind down and listened to the radio, which had been spouting out a fair amount of news lately. The war was finally over, and the soldiers were coming home.

The next few days, they came home in groups. First were the injured, needing immediate medical attention. Leonard put in long hours at the hospital, tending to badly wrapped and cleaned wounds, and giving to some the unfortunate news that amputation was their only option. It had been a while since Leonard had dealt with these poor soldiers, but the experiences were repeating themselves.

Broken men, shaken from their time served in awful conditions. One young man didn't say a word, his eyes frozen in horror as he seemed to imagine everything over and over again. The day ended on a strenuous note, with crying mothers and angry fathers over the condition their sons had come back to them. Leonard had almost made it out the door when someone called out to him. It was Christine, and she looked panicked.

"Doctor, please, we - a patient, he's losing it - "

Leonard followed her back to the room, where a young man was being strapped to the table. He'd had a pen in his hand, but one of the nurses wrenched it away once his wrist was secured. Leonard approached him carefully, hands out defensively. "Now, son, listen to me - "

"No, I won't listen!" He spat. "I need to go back, kill them all! They killed so many of my friends..." His voice broke, dwindling down to a sob.

He looked so young; Leonard mourned for the boy's lost youth. None of these men should have had to grow up like this; everything they'd learned as children had been tossed away when they'd fired the first bullet. This one had a mad look in his eyes, one that said he'd never be the same. "It's over, understand? The war is over now, kid."

The young man struggled a bit, then understood his words and slumped down. He began to cry, and all Leonard could do was sit there and watch it happen.

When things quieted down, he headed home for some much needed relaxation. He took a bath, got into some comfortable night clothes, and settled into bed with a book. His mind did began to wander a bit, not only to the young soldier, but to all of them. He was grateful that they were safe and home now, and hoped that there was something in this town that could bring them peace.


	4. Chapter Four

**Author Note:** Thanks for reading!

* * *

><p>Chapter Four<p>

* * *

><p>At exactly oh-four-hundred hours, Jim woke to the sounds of Pike's voice. Yelling at everyone to rise and shine, it's a good day to live. Jim sat up and rubbed his eyes, and as his fists fell away...he realized. A cold sweat washed over him, and his hands flew back up to tangle in his hair. No, he wasn't at the camp site. He wasn't in the forest, or on the beach, or in the cities of South Korea.<p>

The war was over, and Pike was dead.

"Dammit," he ground out, trying to sink his emotions as they bobbed in his throat. "Easy, Kirk, easy. Just take it easy."

He did just fine as he sat there, taking deep breaths, until he remembered Gary. Then the tears started, and the vision of that fateful, cruel bomb falling onto Gary's body was just too much. Jim shot from bed, stumbled down the hall, and out the front door. He collapsed onto the front steps, his chest heaving and eyelids fluttering. He wasn't sure if he was going to pass out or scream when he felt two hands wrap around his waist.

"I'm here, Jim," his mother reminded. "Take deep breaths. Get through it, it's okay. It's okay."

Another panic attack, he realized. Ever since the first one, they'd never seemed to go away. He clutched onto her, the only person he had left in this world, and let himself cry. Let it all out, and began to breath again. It had only been a week since he'd been home, and the nightmares were still fresh...even the ones long in the past. The anxiety of constantly looking over his shoulder, reaching for a weapon that wasn't there...to an enemy he didn't have to worry about anymore. He slept in his own bed and house, but he was far from home. He had no idea what to do anymore.

After a while his head cleared, and he took a shaky breath. "I'm okay, Mom."

"...All right. Jim, honey, promise me."

Jim blinked. He looked up at her, and suddenly he felt like a child. She looked grim, and brushed a couple of fingers over his wrist. He flinched, and the child was gone again. "Don't..."

"Promise me, Jim," She begged. "Promise me you won't do it again. Don't give into what you're feeling. Don't leave me..." She began to cry, and fell into his arms. "I love you so much, my baby."

Jim gave a shuddering sigh, and as he held her examined the marks. She'd found him in the bathroom, a knife to his wrist and just the beginnings of cuts in his pale flesh. She'd tossed the knife down the hall, falling to her knees and begging him to stop. He remembered the countless times he'd seen their hostages take this road out, or hanged themselves, anything to end it. He'd seen the pain in their eyes, the lonely emptiness. The thought that no one would really care. It just...made sense to die.

Jim just shook his head at last, holding her tightly. "I'll...try, mom. I won't give up."

She just nodded, and refused to let go. When they went back in, she sat at his bedside, running a hand through his hair until he was asleep. When he woke a few hours later, it was light, and his mother was still there. Her arms were folded and her head was tucked down - her hand in his. He turned onto his side, and she stirred.

"Morning, mom," he whispered.

"Morning, sweetheart. Do you need anything?"

Jim thought a moment. There was nothing strong enough for him right now, but he knew she needed to help somehow. "Some breakfast sounds nice."

She nodded, and waited until he was ready to get up. They ate together at the table, and for that short hour, things were normal again. Jim never had much to say right now, but he listened as Winona brought him up to speed on things that had happened. Good things, of course, mostly her work. Teaching was everything to her, and she loved all of her kids. Jim just nodded and tried to engage in the conversation the best he could, but it was difficult. He'd spent most of his three years in silence, waiting hours and hours for an opportunity to strike. Most never came, and he just learned to be quiet and ready.

When they were finished, he went upstairs and got dressed into the same thing he did every day, his uniform. He wasn't required to keep wearing it, but it was too much a part of him, like a second skin. He felt safe. He even felt a little better when he headed downstairs, and his mother sent him off with a kiss on the cheek.

Everywhere, people greeted him cheerfully. Called him Captain, and a rare face still called him Jimmy. He didn't mind - it was who he was trying to be right now. He needed people to accept the person he'd been before he'd left, not the cold-hearted killer he knew they'd fear. Some people just gave a silent nod, knowing that that's exactly who he was inside.

Of course, it didn't always last. Sometimes the past still caught up with him, and the images began playing in his head. He could smell the blood as if it were still on his hands, the thick smoke burning his eyes and lungs. Those were the worst, when he felt dirty and unable to breathe. He blinked and stood still, trying to urge the thoughts away, but as he turned the corner it was a full fledged attack. He could hear children clapping and suddenly all he heard were gunshots. He flinched, and ducked into the first place he could hide.

When he realized he was safe, he found himself in a quiet family diner. His throat felt dry, his legs like jelly, and he hurried to sit at the bar. When the young woman came up and asked what he wanted, he simply muttered, "Sprite, please."

It was quiet. Cool, fresh, and safe. He knew he wasn't in any danger now, but he wasn't sure when all of him would understand that. His shoulders slumped as he thought about how it might never be that way, that he'd have no one and be alone and miserable -

There was a tap on his arm. He turned and looked, and then his gaze went downward. There, standing only a few feet tall, was the most beautiful little girl he'd ever seen. He smiled automatically, remembering some of the children in Korea.

"Um, hello," she murmured. She looked back at the man Jim hadn't noticed, who waved his hand in encouragement. "I'm Joanna."

Jim patted the seat next to him, so Joanna hopped up to sit with him. "Hi, beautiful," he replied, "I'm James, but most people call me Jim. Is that your daddy with you?"

The dark-haired immediately stuck out his hand. "I am, sir, Leonard McCoy. Nice to make your acquaintance. When the little one asked, I couldn't say no." This man...there were no words. His hair was slicked, but a few strands fell down over his forehead. A bit like Gary's after he'd remove his hat, or after a long day. His eyes were soft, a green color that seemed to have flecks of gold.

Jim smiled to keep himself focused, nodded, and looked back at Joanna. "How old are you, Joanna?"

"Eight! My birthday was a few weeks ago, and we had a big party."

"Wow, sounds like fun! My birthday isn't for a while. Are you excited for school?"

Joanna was swinging the round seat back and forth, a shy smile on her face. "I am, 'cause I'll have lots of friends and learn new stuff."

Just then, Jim's sprite arrived. He licked his lips happily and pulled it to him. "Here you are, Captain. On the house." Jim nodded to her and took a sip, and instant gratification washed over his face.

"I haven't had one of these in a long time."

"You're a Captain?" Joanna asked. "Is it hard being a soldier?"

"Jo," Leonard warned quietly, and shook his head. Yes, this man understood. Just the look that passed his face, he'd been through enough to respect privacy. Still, Jim could never deny a child's question, no matter what.

"That's okay," Jim said with a smile to the handsome man. "Yes, it is, but I'm home now, I'm looking forward to eating lots of burgers and fries!"

"And milkshakes!"

"Milkshakes!" Jim repeated, and for the first time laughed. The sound was so freeing, so unbelievably natural, that it almost brought tears to his eyes. "So, what do you two have planned for the rest of the day?"

"Well," Leonard interjected, seeming to find his voice. "We were headed down to the park." He had a particular accent, a light drawl that sent Jim's heart into a skip.

Joanna gasped, as this was obviously news to her. "The park! Captain Jim, will you come with us? They just put in some new flowers, and it's so pretty there! Oh," she suddenly said, and turned to her father. "Can he, dad? If he's not busy?"

Leonard chuckled, rubbing the side of his face. His eyes softened again, and Jim knew this little girl had her father wrapped around her finger. "How can you say no, right? If you'd like, Captain, the invitation's open."

Who_ was_ Jim to say no? He took a final sip of his drink, now realizing he needed company, not food and drink, and set down the loose change in his pocket. It _had_ been on the house, but Jim just couldn't do it. He couldn't _not_ give back to the community that had taken such good care of him. He walked beside the man named Leonard as Joanna skipped ahead of them, and the walk to the park gave them time to get to know each other.

When Leonard said he was a doctor, Jim frowned. "I don't think I've ever seen you around." He didn't remember seeing the man when he'd gone to get his shots and several check-ups.

"Well, I work mostly at night, when the young ones are out having the time of their lives," Leonard laughed quietly. It was soft, but with genuine entertainment. "We moved here a little over eight years ago, when Jo was still in her momma's tummy. I'm...divorced now, but I still get to see my girl lots."

"Oh," Jim frowned, "I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been hard for you."

"Well," Leonard side-stepped, "I have everything together now. I actually have Joanna for a couple of weeks, since her mother is off on vacation with the new fiance."

For some reason - perhaps it was the sudden remembrance of how to laugh - Jim giggled. "I'm sorry. I'm not - it's not funny at all. I didn't mean to laugh," he said seriously, suddenly feeling guilty.

Leonard smiled and shook his head, sliding his hands into his pockets. "No, it's fine. Trust me, you gotta laugh to keep from crying, right?"

"And sometimes you just do both..." Jim said, more to himself, but he caught the look on Leonard's face. They understood each other.

The day at the park was wonderful. Mostly it was just Joanna taking Jim by the hand to show him all the flowers, telling him the names, and though it seemed unimportant, it meant the world to Jim. How long had it been, even before his service, had he really stopped to look at flowers? To admire them and cherish the beautiful things in this world? When Joanna handed him one of the daisies near the play area, he tucked it into his breast pocket. "I'll take care of it forever."

"Promise?"

"Promise," he promised, and he meant it. That's when she looked up at him, wide-eyed, and without warning simply hopped into his arms. He was surprised, a little jostled, but just the pure love coming from this little angel calmed him. He hugged her back, and now could no longer hold back his tears. He let them fall freely, and could neither contain the hiccups forming in his chest. She looked up at him, and cupped his face.

"Captain Jim, why are you crying? Are you sad?"

Jim looked at Leonard, who'd noticed the tears and come over. Jim just shook his head and laughed, hugging Joanna again. "No, beautiful, I'm not sad. I'm so happy, and it's thanks to you."

Joanna was quiet after that, and hugged him back. During the next week, Jim would visit when he could, and they'd always go to the diner they'd met in. Leonard asked once if Jim was tired of it, but honestly, he wasn't. "Let's just say that we didn't eat too well most days."

Leonard just shook his head. "It must've been...I don't think 'pretty tough' even covers it," he amended. Jim shook his head, and the two laughed.

Soon it was a daily thing. Jim learned that Joanna would be spending one more week with her father, so he took advantage of it. He spent more time in his nightly talks with Leonard on the doctor's porch, and bit by bit he began to open up. Not about the more personal things, but perhaps about his hours spent in the rain and cold, or taking care of the new recruits because he'd been there once.

Leonard seemed to be doing the same, and admitted that his past of drinking had gotten him into some serious trouble. "I was a mess, Jim. Really, I...I never thought I was gonna get out of it." Even as he said it, he sighed and looked at the beer bottle he held. "I'm okay with this stuff. It's not that great and I was never addicted to it anyhow. I just keep it to unwind a little."

Jim nodded. They were sitting hip-to-hip, eyes up at the dark, starry sky. He thought about the countless times he and Gary had done that...and it hit him. He had to move on. Gary was dead, and Jim needed to end his grieving. He would never forget Gary Mitchell, but he couldn't mourn for someone who wouldn't want him to. Leonard was in his life, had pulled him away from the edge so many times. He could see in his mother's eyes that she worried a little less every day, and that in turn comforted him.

They got talking about Joanna again, how she wanted to go to the diner tomorrow. Jim had hesitated, and realized immediately that it looked wrong. He was just concerned because he had very little money right now, and Leonard had been taking care of the bill. "You don't have to, I mean..."

"Jim," Leonard said firmly, "it's worth it. You've become one of my best friends, and...it's worth every penny, dammit. I mean, I love spending time with you, and you're so good to Jo." He looked away, suddenly feeling flustered.

Jim turned to face him, and without thinking reached out to link their hands. "I love being with you, too. Really, you two saved my life. When I walked into that shop, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I'd only been home a week, and I didn't know how to adjust back into life. Walked around aimlessly, feeling like I was suffocating in my own home and city. So I walked in, desperate for the answer and...there she was. There you were." Jim had tears in his eyes, but he hurried to collect himself and cleared his throat.

"I...really like you, Leonard."

Leonard's breath caught in his throat, and he only got it back in time for Jim to steal it away in a kiss. It was soft, chaste, and uncertain. Leonard was still for a long time. Shocked, much like Jim had been when Gary had first kissed him. He waited patiently, uncertainly, and suddenly Leonard kissed back. He cupped the side of Jim's face, pressing their lips more firmly together, and only then they were able to pull away. "Jim...I..."

"Sorry. I know it's wrong, I just..." _I just need to do something for me. For once._

"No, it's good," Leonard stuttered, then nodded. "It's perfect." He smiled and squeezed Jim's fingers, and the two sat there in content silence.

* * *

><p>A month passed. Joanna was in school and with her mother, but Jim made time to visit her at least once a week. Leonard couldn't always come with, but Jocelyn and her fiance were always more than happy to let Jim in for some time with Joanna.<p>

Right now, they were in the living room, on their stomachs, coloring with crayons. Joanna was quite the little artist, and had drawn a picture of herself and Jim holding hands. Jim laughed at himself, looking at his terrible picture of a puppy - Joanna's request. Jim really hadn't grown up coloring, he'd learned to work at a young age, but Joanna was bringing out the child in him. They played pretend sometimes and he pushed her on her swing. When Jim had to go, it was always a drama.

"No, Jim, you should stay five more minutes," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Oh, beautiful, I gotta go. You need your rest and so does your mom," he laughed, giving a fond smile to Jocelyn. "You just keep drawing pretty pictures for me, and I'll be back soon. I'll call you, is that okay?"

She sighed, and then smiled. "Okay. I love you, Jim."

He hesitated. That one had always been a hard one for him. He did love her, really, he did. However, she would never be his child, and she had her father, mother, and step-father in her life. What was he to her? Still, he took the courage he'd earned from just doing things head on, and whispered, "Love you, doll."

He waved to her until he was out of her sight, then turned and headed home. When he walked in, he was greeted with finding his mother on the phone. She waved him over, and mouthed happily, "Leonard". Then she said into the mouth piece, "Yes. Look, why don't you talk to him about it, he just walked in? Yes. All right, doc, you have a good night."

Jim took the phone, noticing the knowing look his mother gave him. He just rolled his eyes. "Hello?"

_"Jim, hello, it's Leonard."_

"How are you?" Jim said softly. "How was work?"

_"Oh, it was fine. I called here thinking you were home, but your mother let me know you were over visiting Joanna. Thank you for doing that, Jim."_

"No need, Len. You know I'd do anything for her if you asked me."

_"...Y-Yes, I do. Listen, I was wondering - I mean, y'don't have to, that is...the guys wanted to have me out tomorrow. I was wonderin' if you'd like to come along, maybe keep an eye on me,"_ he half-joked.

Jim laughed. "Yeah, I think I can. It's about time I went out and actually spoke with other people, don't you?"

Something seemed to hit Leonard, and he began to stammer. _"O-Oh, Jim, I mean, if you don't feel comfortable, it's okay..."_

"No, no! I'd love to. Where's the place?"

_"It's the bar across from the theater. Seven o' clock sound all right?"_

"Seven sounds great."

Jim was beside himself. He knew he couldn't officially call it a date, but in his heart that's what it was. When he dressed the next day, he made sure to look completely perfect for the man he'd fallen for. When he arrived at the bar, Leonard was already waiting outside. Leonard clapped his shoulder, but there was that glint in his eyes that said more. It took everything Jim had to not lean in and kiss those plump, perfect lips. They walked in, however, and Jim felt his guard go up. The place was crowded, loud, and began to dig under Jim's skin.

He stayed close to Leonard, practically leaning onto him. Leonard noticed and turned. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Jim said quickly. "I will be. Just stay close - "

"Hey, Lenny! Come on over, doc, we thought you'd never show!"

Leonard put on his poker face and smiled. "Shut up, I'm on time - no different from work, but you bums wouldn't know about that, wouldja?"

"Who's your date, pal?" One man asked. The way the man eyed them, that cold smile on his face...Jim immediately thought of Finnegan. Still, when introductions were made, Jim gave a polite handshake.

The man, named Don, seemed surprised. "Wow, he's got a grip! I'll bet you worked those hands up stranglin' a few of those Koreans, hm?"

Jim froze, but he could feel Leonard's hand on his shoulder. "Hey, now. Let's not...talk about that stuff. Jim is here for a good time, not to be hassled."

Ah. This was why Jim didn't go out. Listening to the harsh remarks, the blatant disregard that his fellow Americans had on other people. Constant racism, dark jabs at things that weren't understood. The more it went on during the night, the more Jim wanted to bolt. After only the second round of beers, Jim's hands were shaking. Don just wouldn't let things go, but he would bring them up at the most unexpected times.

"So, Jim, did you get to see any of the ladies? And I mean, you know..." He began to waggle his hips, and his other friends laughed ruthlessly.

Leonard watched the anger flare across Jim's face like wildfire. "Donny, seriously, enough."

"No, come on, now, I mean, it had to be lonely out there, right? Unless you were, uh, buddying up in those cots." Don put on a mock-serious face, and waved his hand at Jim. "Now, level with me, Jimmy. You aren't a homo, are ya? Nothing ever happened between you and the other soldiers? 'Cause I've heard that - "

Jim felt himself standing. He also felt Leonard's hand grab out at him too late, and it _was_ too late. The others at the table had gone quiet, but Don had gone still. Jim remembered when Finnegan had given him that same, prepared look. He was ready for a fight.

"My personal life is none of your business," Jim said calmly, but his voice was like ice. "As for the women, there were soldiers who took advantage of them. Raped them and let others watch for fun. Killed them because we had orders to take out anyone we really believed to be threats. Defenseless people were killed and torn apart by _our_ weapons. I can't tell you how many times I had to just stand by and watch, because if I defended them, I'd be killed, too.

"Don't you ever forget," Jim pointed, and he realized that most of the bar had gone quiet, "what we've done. It's not something wonderful, it's something which determine who wins and who loses. Don't you ever forget how quickly something or someone can be taken away from you - your family, your freedom, everything. Nothing in this world is ours, and we're just running on borrowed time."

As Jim turned, with Leonard following him, everyone looked on in shock. Jim thought he'd be okay. If he just kept walking, he'd make it home, crawl into bed, and forget everything. That's when he felt his knees buckle. He caught himself on the wall of a closed shop, his chest heaving again. He felt dizzy and his head ached, and Leonard's voice sounded muted.

"Jim? Jim, come on, breath. Jim..."

Jim clamped his hands over his ears, trying to silence the noise. The sounds of the bar, endless chatter that all meshed together, clattering of bottles and plates, the low lights like the sun shining too bright through the canopies of trees. Bullets, dirt flying, screaming voices - Jim was pleading now, begging for the noise to stop.

He felt hands on his shoulders and pushed away desperately, and then he realized it was Leonard. Wide-eyed, and refusing to let go. "Jim, it's me, okay? It's me, it's okay..."

Jim just shook his head and let his body slump, let the tears fall. "It will never be okay, Len. Please, just...you don't need _this,_" he motioned to himself, "in your life. I will never be a good person for you. Never be a good person," he sobbed.

"Oh, Jim," Leonard murmured, and brought Jim into a careful hug. "Jim, Jim, darlin'..." His body seemed ready to crumble, so Leonard refused to let go until he knew it would stay together. "Come on, let's get outta here."

Jim let himself be taken to Leonard's car. They drove for a long time, away from the city and up the quiet roads. Leonard turned left onto another path, then slowed to a stop and parked the car. He knew this spot well, had been here many times in his recovery, and thought perhaps it would help Jim. He took the blonde's hand, took him up on the hill, and sat him down. It overlooked the west part of the city, and the lights glimmered down below.

"Jim?" Leonard asked after a while.

Jim shifted uneasily. "I'm...sorry you had to see that. I should have told you about my attacks, but I haven't had one since we met."_  
><em>

"It's not the first time I've seen one. It's harder, though...seeing it from a loved one."

Jim just sighed. "I...Leonard, how could you love me? I've hurt so many people, killed them and left their bodies in the mud. There's nothing left of me to love."

"Jim, that is not - "

The younger man shook his head. "No, it is. Leonard, I...am not the person I used to be - I never will be. I remember my first commanding officer, his name was John Harrison...I'll never forget him." He waited, but Leonard's silence meant he could go on. He didn't want to relive it, but he needed Leonard to know the truth. "It was my very first interrogation. I stood in the corner of the room and watched an old man getting beaten to death when he wouldn't answer. John just kept hitting him, over and over, and I - " His breath caught, tears renewed in his eyes. "I begged him to stop. Asked him to let me leave, because I couldn't take it. That's when he pulled out his pistol and aimed it at me."

"Jim..."

"He said that I needed to grow up, be a man. So he stepped back, gun still pointed, and told me to finish the job." Jim looked down at his trembling hands. "That man didn't want to die, I could see it in his eyes. I didn't want to die, either, so I...I did what Harrison told me to do. That's who I am, Leonard, I do what I'm told without question, regardless of consequence. I hate myself for it," he ground out through his teeth.

Leonard felt a pang of immense guilt hit him, and reached out to clasp Jim's hand again. "Jim, how can I help you right now? What can I do to make this better...make your pain go away? You don't know what it does to me, to see you hurtin' and sufferin'. You don't know what more it does to me to see that beautiful smile on your face, and how you are with Jo. She loves you so much, and I can see that you love her, too. _I_ love you, Jim. I..." He trailed off, the realization hitting him hard. "I do love you, and I'm gonna spend every day remindin' you of that."

Jim shook his head. Just a month ago, he could look at death with a straight expression, and now...a complete mess. He'd never expected this kind of pain with coming home, trying to pick up the pieces. "I don't deserve..."

"Yes, you do, Jim," Leonard replied desperately. "If there is anyone who needs love right now, it's you. We're both broken, Jim, but that's why we need each other."

Jim looked up at him, his face twitching with restrained emotion.

"Jim, if I have to go through the rest of my life without you, I..." He shook his head. "Jim, when I first got divorced I...thought my life was over. Tried to end it, too, until someone saved my sorry ass."

Jim felt cold shock. He couldn't imagine this man having ever tried that, but most people probably thought that about Jim, too. "...Who was it?"

Leonard's face crumbled a bit. "Joanna," he said, the emotion tearing through his voice like rough paper. "I live for her, and I'll live for you, Jim. Don't you dare let go of that - the past is the past. You're here, right now, with me. Isn't that enough?"

Jim looked at him a long moment, then nodded tearfully and leaned in to kiss him.


	5. Chapter Five

**Author Note:** Thanks for reading!

* * *

><p>Chapter Five<p>

* * *

><p>When Leonard told Jim about Jocelyn and Adam's wedding being a month away, he included an unexpected invitation. "Look, I know it's a lot to ask," he began sheepishly. "I just...I'm going to be there for Jo, and...well, I'm sure it's more pleasant than a crowded bar."<p>

Jim, understandably, wasn't sure at first. He was used to sitting up in his bedroom, watching the world go by. The bar incident certainly hadn't helped, but it had eased him into going to a therapist. Doctor Uhura was a sweet woman, but straightforward and helped Jim in understanding what he needed to do. Firstly, taking medication would be Jim's answer at helping his anxiety.

"Will I have to take them for the rest of my life?" Jim asked.

Uhura regarded him with softness. "These pills will help with the physical setbacks of this problem. As for the emotional and mental healing, that's what I'm here for - you need to open up and tell me exactly what you're feeling when you come to see me. You have loved ones and friends to help you through this. We don't know how long it will take, but don't lose hope. You're a strong man and you'll find a way."

She encouraged him to start work. It would keep him focused, and the social exposure would be given in small doses. He knew he had to - his mother couldn't be the sole supporter for their cozy home - so he went out and looked. Turned out he didn't have to search long, as the hardware store on the corner had an open slot. Jim spoke with the manager there, a man named Marcus, and after applying he was hired the same day.

It took another week, but Jim found that the quiet shop gave him the peace he needed. Just enough people came in for good business, but it was never crowded or too loud. After his shift on the weekend, Jim made his way over to Leonard's one night. He knocked and waited, and when the door open Leonard looked mildly surprised. "Hi, Len."

"Jim, come on in," Leonard spoke quietly, moving aside. Jim stepped in and smiled at the doctor, and fell in love all over again. "How's work for you?"

"Fine," Jim nodded. "I just wanted to stop by and say thank you, for being patient with me."

Leonard smiled and pulled him close, running a comforting hand over his back. "Anything for you, Jim. Are you okay?"

"I'm just fine right now. I want to tell you...I'll go to the wedding. I might not stay long, but I'll try."

"Jim," Leonard whispered happily. "Okay, darlin'. I'm happy you want to go."

They remained in each other's arms for a long while, until Jim finally pulled away. "Um...I was also wondering if I could ask you something. I need to set an appointment soon, to start taking medication. My therapist said it would help me a lot."

Leonard's brows raised in agreement. "Yes, it would. Why don't you come on in on Monday, since that's the next time I work? I'll help you get what you need, no worries."

"Thanks, Len. Um..." He looked away, running a hand over the back of his neck. "I have another request, if I could. Until then, could I, maybe, uh...stay here? N-Not to move in, obviously, it's just for a couple of days. If I have another attack, I'd rather you be there."

Leonard, without any hesitation, nodded and smiled. He leaned in and kissed Jim softly, and they fell into a natural rhythm. "Jim," Leonard mumbled between kisses, "you can stay any time you'd like. For the record, I wouldn't mind you movin' in."

The next morning, Jim packed a duffel of belongings, and left with Leonard before the both of them went to work. Since Leonard worked nights, he handed Jim the key to the house and told him to let himself in. "If you need me, just call. I should be home around four or five in the morning."

Jim laughed. "I thought I had it bad."

He felt good about today. It was sunny, not too cold even for the time of year, and Jim even found himself humming a tune. When he turned the corner heading to work, he quite literally ran into someone. The impact left Jim stumbling, but the poor man he'd hit landed on his backside with a thud. Jim reached out and hurried to help the dark-haired man to his feet. "I am so sorry, are you all right? I should have been paying better attention to..." He trailed off, recognition hitting him.

It was Hikaru! Jim hadn't seen him since that day the North had attacked their camp. He tried not to think about it as Hikaru regarded him indifferently. Finally the man spoke, in a voice much more quiet than Jim remembered him having. "Do I know you?"

Jim blinked, taken off guard. "Karu, it's Jim. Jim Kirk?"

"Jim Kirk," Hikaru repeated thoughtfully, his face still blank. Then he went still, and shook his head in a confused way. "I know you, but how...oh. The blood. I remember the blood...and I saw you, w-watching me."

Oh, no. Jim realized he'd hit some trigger, and reached out carefully. "No, Hikaru, wait - "

Hikaru shook his head, and looked down at his hands. "No matter how many times they think they shock the memories from me, I always remember. I remember smashing that man's face in, hearing the bone crunch under my fingers. You saw me, and you were horrified. So was I...I killed that man, and I'd kill him again if I could. Over and over and over again," he repeated, and moved around Jim to continue down the street. His head was low, his eyes on his upturned hands.

Jim's heart dropped into his stomach, and his stomach lurched in his throat. He hurried off down an alley, grasping the wall as his chest heaved. He wretched dryly, nothing coming up but making him weak in the knees. He rested his back against the wall, taking big gulps of air and trying to shut down the panic. "I'm okay, I'm okay...don't think about it, I'm okay," he whispered desperately. Then he shook his head. "No, I'm not. I need Leonard, now. Need him, need medicine, can't breathe..."

He knew where the hospital was, and let his stumbling feet carry him in that direction. He didn't make it far, though, before he collapsed and heard worried murmurs around him.

"Is that young man all right?"

"He looks ill..."

"Son, are you hurt? Sick?

_Son. _Pike's voice_. It's going to be okay, son. _Where was he? Jim's vision was blurring, all he could see was Hikaru, killing that man...he saw himself, killing his first prisoner...so much blood.

"Jim? Jim, come back to me, now."

Leonard. Jim blinked several times and gasped, sitting up straight. He looked around, and saw that he was in a hospital room. Next to him was Leonard, a hand on Jim's shoulder. "Jesus, not again. I'm so sorry, Leonard. So glad you're here."

"It's okay, Jim. You're just fine, and I'm right here for you. Just lie back and rest." He eased Jim onto his back slowly, then wrapped the sheet up over him and patted it lightly. "I told Geoff to watch things for me - I'm staying here as long as you need me."

Jim nodded, eyes wandering up to the ceiling. "I...I saw someone from Korea. He's not right in the head, Leonard."

Leonard took a deep breath and nodded. "Don't suppose so, Jim. A lot of people have struggled with coming back."

"I-I made him remember something. Something terrible, and I didn't mean to."

"Jim, it's not your fault, understand? Whatever happened, there's nothing you could have done."

_"Zere was...nothing anyone could do, sir." _Jim had played out Pavel's words in his head a million times. He'd gotten himself to the point where he could think them, and not break down, but right now was not the case. He tossed one arm over his eyes and sniffled, his free hand clutching the sheets. "I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel so weak and pathetic..." His voice broke, and the tears seeped into his skin.

Leonard lowered himself to sit on the bed and sat close to Jim, moving his arm gently. Then he cupped the sides of Jim's face and brushed the tears away. "Hey," he whispered. "You're doing good, Jim. I'm so proud of everything you've done to help yourself. You are not weak, and you are not pathetic. You're Jim Kirk, and you're my hero."

Jim sniffled again and nodded, trying to believe Leonard's words. "I'm trying so hard, Len."

Leonard smiled tenderly and straightened a little, but let Jim hold his hand. "You are, and you're getting there. This isn't something you can control, and that's not your fault. Don't you give up now."

Jim stayed the rest of the evening at the hospital. Leonard punched out early and spent every moment with him, having Christine fill the prescription for Jim's medication. It would be ready tomorrow, but until then, Jim was under strict orders to rest and not work. When they arrived at Leonard's house around ten, Jim felt nothing but relief.

Inside, Leonard drew a warm bath for Jim and let him unwind, staying outside the door just in case. Once Jim was finished, he dressed and the two made their way into Leonard's room. "You'll sleep here, understand?"

Jim looked over at him hesitantly. "The couch is fine..."

"No," Leonard grumped, "the couch is garbage. I need a new one, I just haven't had the time to buy it. Sleep here, Jim, no arguing."

Jim sat down on the mattress, testing it, then eased onto his back and smiled. "This is really comfortable."

Leonard nodded and sat at Jim's side. He looked down at the exhausted soldier, saw the haunted look hidden in his eyes - guilt and anger, embarrassment. Leonard knew that Jim wasn't this person. He was happy and caring and loved life; he'd seen bits of this so many times. Jim turned a little to face him more, and tucked his arm up under the pillow . "Thanks for everything, Len. You saved my life so many times."

Leonard reached up out slid his hand down to wrap around Jim's waist. "Likewise, darlin'. You'll get through this, Jim, I promise."

Jim just nodded and let his eyes close. He was out pretty much immediately, so Leonard took the chance to call Jim's mother. She knew her son was staying here, but Leonard knew he needed to keep Winona up to date on Jim's condition.

When she answered, she sounded tired. _"Hello? Kirk residence."_

"Winona, it's Leonard."

_"Oh, hello! I was wondering if you might call...is Jim settled in?"_

"Yes, ma'am. He, uh, had an attack today, so he's resting right now. I want to keep an eye on him until I know this one's passed."

_"Oh, Jim," _she sighed, _"My soldier. Thank you for caring for him - he needs you so much."_

"Well," Leonard smiled. "I think I need him more. I'll have him call you in the morning."

_"That sounds perfect, thank you. Goodnight, doc."_

"Goodnight." Leonard hung up, then promptly headed back into his room. He hadn't even gotten out of his work clothes yet, but did so quickly and into more comfortable ones. Then he sat slowly on the bed, careful of his sleeping Jim. He watched Jim for a long while, watched the steady rise and fall of his chest, listened to the breath leave his parted lips. Leonard settled down beside him, resting a hand over his stomach and kissing his shoulder. "I love you so much," he whispered._  
><em>

Jim didn't stir, save for a soft sigh Leonard nearly missed. He stayed there at Jim's side, and fell asleep with his hand over Jim's.

* * *

><p>"You feelin' better? Color's back in your cheeks, that's good."<p>

Jim smiled and rested his head against Leonard's chest, taking a deep breath. When he'd woken up, he'd found himself nestled up right against Leonard's sleeping frame, and hadn't dared move until the man stirred some time later. Once the two had woken up a bit more, they moved into the living room to snuggle on the couch. His arms wrapped around Leonard's broad frame, and nodded. "I'm feeling better, yeah. You do a better job taking care of me than me."

Leonard kissed the top of his head. "That's me, the doctor. Are you hungry?"

"Ehh, not particularly. Are you?"

After a beat, Jim shook his head. "Me, either. Just thought I'd ask."

The two sat in comfortable silence for a while, listening to the occasional sounds of the house, or passing cars outside. A few minutes in, and Leonard began to shift. "Sorry," he apologized. "There's a damn spring on this side. I keep forgettin' it's there until it starts diggin' into me."

Jim sat up straight. "Is it better on the other side?"

Leonard thought, then nodded. He moved to the other end and eased down, testing the comfort level for a moment. "Yeah, this is all right." He opened his arm to let Jim snuggle, but the blonde stood up. Only briefly, however; he stood over Leonard, seeming to hesitate, then slid down until he was right in Leonard's lap. Though surprised, Leonard let Jim shift until he, too, was comfortable. Then he smirked, and his brow shot up. "Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you and that spring are in cahoots.

"Maybe we are," Jim murmured teasingly, and swung his arms around the back of Leonard's neck. "Is this...okay?" He asked, more quietly.

Leonard let his hands trail over Jim's waist and hips, their foreheads pressed together. "Yeah, Jim, this is perfect." He planted a single, soft kiss onto Jim's lips, then leaned in for one with a little more gumption. Jim gave a muffled sound of surprise, but he melted into it and relaxed in Leonard's arms. His next move was pulling their kiss deeper and parting his lips.

Leonard flicked his tongue out after a long moment, and his heart leaped when he felt Jim's brush against his. He let Jim take over with that, content to let him lead in what he felt comfortable with. He was careful with his hands, remembering the scars on Jim's back. "Jim..."

"Len, I..." Jim pulled away, and ran his tongue over his lips. "You can hold me, you know. I...I want you to, please."

Leonard blinked. "Okay, I just," he began. "I didn't want to cross any lines. I want you to be comfortable, Jim."

Jim took a deep breath, and a shaky smile crossed his lips. "Trust me, I am completely comfortable with you. I've never felt more comfortable, not even with..." He trailed off, and for the longest time he was silent. Leonard sat there, waiting for whatever Jim's next actions would be. "No," Jim finally spoke, his voice a little clearer. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking." He drew his eyes to hazel ones, his heart suddenly pounding all over again. Finally, it was like something unspoken passed between them, there was a click, and the two were kissing again.

It was much more desperate this time, with Jim tugging at Leonard's hair and biting at the soft flesh of his lip. He pulled it in to suck gently, earning a moan from Leonard. "Len...God, I..."

"Yeah, Jim," came the reply, almost a whine. Leonard pressed his lips to Jim's neck, quickly forming a small bruise into the crook of it. He kissed the mark softly, then found another spot to claim. His hands were roaming comfortably now, high on Jim's thighs and sliding inward. He had a sudden thought and let himself be taken along with it - involving Jim and the bed down the hall. His cock responded in eagerness, and he pulled Jim close. "Oh, Jim. Jim, Jim...wait."

Jim was completely out of breath, which was partially why Leonard felt the need to stop. He was too flushed, and had just had a panic attack a couple hours ago. "What?"

"I just...I don't want to get you too excited. You were in the hospital today."

Jim frowned and pulled away. "Bones, I...I thought we were - that you were...okay."

"Oh, I am, Jim," Leonard corrected, and he was sure Jim could feel it. "I just want to make sure you are. Medically speaking, you should be - " He didn't get to finish his sentence, because Jim was kissing him again and much more confident. Their bodies began to rut, taking over any rational thought that might stop them now. When Leonard felt Jim running a palm over the front of his pants, his head fell back. "Oh, my God, Jim...please, yes..."

"We have two options," Jim whispered against his ear. "One, I take care of you, right here, right now."

"Jim..."

"Or, we go to your bedroom," he suggested, and made Leonard look at him. He could hardly see any color under the blown pupils, but what was there was green. "There, we take care of each other. Like we want to, and like we're supposed to, because...we love each other."

"Jim," Leonard repeated. It seemed to be the only word in his vocabulary right now. He simply nodded, wrapped Jim around him more securely, and hauled him into the bedroom. He set Jim onto the mattress and first removed his shirt; then eased them both onto the center of the bed. "I'll take care of you," he promised. "Always, Jim."

Jim nodded, pulling Leonard down onto him in a fervent kiss. "I know. I trust you." As much as he tried to be steady in saying it, his body betrayed him. He trembled for the first while, his hand over Leonard's as his pants were guided off his legs. Leonard sat briefly to remove his own shirt, then let Jim take care of the rest. He fumbled through his side-drawer, finding the lube and removing the cap quickly.

"You ready, darlin'?

"Yes, Please, Bones..." He watched quietly as Leonard slicked up a couple of fingers, then moved back between Jim's legs. Jim tucked his head down against the sheets, feeling the blush on his face. It had been so long, and he wasn't sure if he'd be good. This was so different, too, and Leonard was different. He waited for Leonard to begin, but there was nothing. He looked up in realization, and found the man crouched over him carefully. "Len..."

"You sure, Jim? Really, if you aren't ready - "

Jim shook his head desperately. "No, no, no. I'm okay, I promise," He nodded encouragingly, which gave Leonard the invitation to continue.

Leonard was beyond words as he mentally worshiped Jim's body. Pale skin, marked and scarred from the war. The muscles rolled under his flesh as he shifted restlessly, and Leonard withheld himself from dragging his tongue across the ripples. He instead lowered himself, and inserted the first finger into Jim's entrance. Jim tensed and tossed his head back, one hand clenching the sheets. "Relax, Jim. Just relax now..."

It wasn't easy. Now that Leonard was working him open, Jim focused on not losing it just from his touch. Before Jim knew it, Leonard had two more fingers inside him. "Len," he gasped, "please, I'm ready."

Leonard breathed in relief and kissed Jim's knee as he pulled out. He took the bottle and slathered the contents onto his palm, then stroked it onto his cock. Then he took proper hold and moved close, guiding it in slowly. Jim clenched over him immediately, pulling him in and moaning freely now. "Jim," Leonard mumbled. "Jim, Jim..."

Once he was in, he let Jim adjust before settling down into his arms. Then he pressed their lips together as he thrust gently, letting himself find a good rhythm. "Yes," Jim kept repeating through their kisses, "Like that, please, like that..." Jim dug his fingertips into Leonard's shoulders, feet curling against his back. Leonard dipped down and pressed his lips to Jim's neck, sucking more marks into his skin and biting occasionally.

"So beautiful," Leonard whispered. "You're so beautiful, Jim. So amazing..." He thrust just a bit harder, and Jim gave a stammering moan against his ear.

"Harder, please, harder now..."

"Anything, Jim," Leonard insisted breathlessly. The sweat was beading against his forehead, and he pushed himself up to move faster. Now he could look at Jim, felt himself getting close as Jim's lips parted and his eyes shut. "Open your eyes, Jim, please," he begged. "Look at me."

"Len, please, I need, ah, I'm gonna...need to..." His hand shot down between them, gripping his cock and stroking with Leonard's thrust. He managed to open his eyes, and the sight of Leonard brought him to release. He gasped and cried out, then again as he felt Leonard fill him. "Len!"

"_Jim!_ Oh, Jim," Leonard moaned happily, his body tensing as he came. Then he went limp, falling onto Jim's chest and trying to catch his breath. "Jim...I love you. I love you so much..."

Jim tried to laugh. It was more of a relieved breath, but then he felt the hot sting in his eyes and shut them immediately. He turned away, but not before he could contain a tiny sob escaping his lips. He knew Leonard had heard, and felt him move to his side in concern. He shook his head, giving an embarrassed, bubbling laugh. "S-Sorry, I'm..."

"Jim," Leonard whispered, cupping his face. "It's okay. I've got you, it's okay."

Jim nodded and leaned into his touch. Leonard tugged the covers over them, then pulled Jim into his arms and cradled him. "You're so beautiful, Jim. You have to know how beautiful you are."

Jim let his tears fall, and he pressed his lips to Leonard's chest in thanks. This was so different from what he'd had with Gary. Their relationship had been so tucked away, hidden from the world and unable to bloom. Of course, he couldn't be open with others about his relationship with Leonard, but this was somehow different. He tipped his head up and kissed Leonard again, trying to dry his tears to convince him it was okay. "I love you."

"I love you, too, darlin'."


	6. Chapter Six

**Author Note: **Well, this is the last chapter! Thank you so much for reading this story, it means so much! I had a lot of fun writing it!

* * *

><p>Chapter Six<p>

* * *

><p>January<em> 23rd, 1973<em>

"Leonard. Leonard, wake up."

Leonard stirred from sleep, grouching lightly because he'd had the late shift and had just gone to bed. He yawned and tried to pull himself from bed, rubbing the sand from his eyes. "What is it?"

"It's over. The President is giving an address on Vietnam."

Leonard blinked, then shot up and followed Jim into the living room. On the television, Nixon was making the announcement. Leonard plopped onto the couch, and Jim moved back into the kitchen to grab the coffee he'd made. He hurried to pass a mug to Leonard, then sat next to him as they listened to the President's words:

_"The United States and the Democratic Republic of Vietnam express the hope that this agreement will insure stable peace in Vietnam and contribute to the preservation of lasting peace in Indochina and Southeast Asia."_

Jim felt a weight leave his heart, and he breathed out in relief. Those were the last words of the official statement, and then Nixon proceeded to add in his own words. Jim and Leonard sat quietly. Jim soon found himself nodding in agreement, and he felt Leonard's comforting arm around his waist. His throat began to bob with emotion, his vision fogging up with occasional tears.

_"Let us be proud of the two-and-a-half million young Americans who served in Vietnam, who served with honor and distinction in one of the most selfless enterprises in the history of nations. And let us be proud of those who sacrificed, who gave their lives so that the people of South Vietnam might live in freedom and so that the world might live in peace."_

Jim nodded and let his tears drip down his face now, his heart full of gratitude for these words. He hadn't served in Vietnam, but his prayers had gone out to those who had as he remembered his youth. Twenty years had passed, but sometimes the memories still struck out at him. There was a moment of silence at the end, and then Nixon thanked the viewers for watching and bid them goodnight. Leonard got up to turn the old television off, then settled back down at Jim's side and brought him into a hug. "Now how about that?" He murmured.

Jim nodded and set his coffee on the table, then leaned into Leonard to return the embrace. "I'm so relieved..." After a long moment, he pulled away and kissed Leonard on the cheek. "Thanks for getting up to watch that with me. Go back to bed, now."

Leonard gave a coy smile and kissed him sweetly. "Come back with me. You don't have to work today, do ya?"

Jim checked the time, then returned the smile. "Not yet, I don't." Then he walked with his lover back to their bedroom. Sometimes it was still like the first time, and today was no exception; they lay in each other's arms afterwards, just a little more spent but with no lack of 'I love you's. Leonard was first to fall asleep, so Jim got up to shower and dressed quietly after. He walked from the house with happiness in his heart, and he could see on the faces of his neighbors that they felt the same way. They'd all been through so much - living through war, losing loved ones from it, and rejoicing when another one was gone. Sometimes Jim wondered if this would be the last, but a bitter part of him - one he kept hidden carefully - knew it wouldn't be.

He arrived at the hardware store to take over for Marcus, greeting him brightly. "Watched the address?"

Marcus gave a smile and nodded. "Yes, I did. Looks like the world gets to rest for a bit, hm?"

Jim nodded as he punched in, then took his place behind the counter. "Who've we got working today?"

"Well," Marcus said as he put on his jacket, "that knew kid, uh...Bill, that's it. Leonard's son-in-law?"

"Oh! Of course," Jim remembered. He'd nearly forgotten that Joanna's husband was starting work today, and mentally kicked himself.

"He should be here in about ten minutes, so just give him the grand tour and set him to work."

Jim waved goodbye to his old boss, then got started on the shipment list for the following week. It was only quarter to three now, so not many people meandered in. Jim heard the bell chink eventually, and greeted the young man with a smile. "Bill! Come on in, how are you?"

Bill smiled politely and stuck out his hand, gripping Jim's hand firmly. "Just fine, sir, thanks. So, what do you want me to do today?"

"Well, firstly, just call me Jim, like normal. I'm your boss, but nothing's changed. Let's take a look around, get you familiarized with the store, then you'll be unpacking and shelving."

Jim gave him the basics, and was happy that he caught on quickly. He left the kid in the back, but not without invitation of asking for help when needed. He was just heading up to the front when a familiar face popped in. "Uncle Jim!"

Joanna rushed into his arms before he could even utter a hello, but he managed it and hugged her back. "Hey, beautiful! How are you today?"

"Good, good," she replied, her eyes dancing. "Um, did Bill get in? Is he here?"

Jim looked at her curiously. She looked like she had something to tell him, something important. "Sure, he's in the back. Want to come back with me to get him?"

"Please, can we? I was gonna wait 'til tonight, but...I just have to tell someone!"

Jim feigned a perplexed look as he walked with her. "You aren't moving like you thought, are you? Did Bill get that job?"

"No," she giggled. "It's even better." When her eyes landed on her husband, a soft, happy expression crossed her face as she marched up to him. "Hello, sweetheart."

Bill straightened up, looking up between her and Jim. "I-I...I thought we were going to their place!"

"I can't wait, honey! Please?"

Bill bit his lip, then gave a teasing sigh and nodded. "Anything for my doll. Jim, uh...Jo and I are - "

"I'm pregnant!" Joanna burst out, and Jim laughed. He'd had a feeling that was it.

"Well, congratulations!" He hugged them both, the one for Joanna lingering just a bit longer. "You'll be wonderful," he whispered.

The rest of the day, Jim was a little anxious. Joanna had to hurry off to help her mother with some things, leaving Jim to quietly congratulate Bill again. He certainly hadn't expected the announcement, and knew that Leonard would be twice as shocked. When he closed the store at eight that evening, he walked with the soon-to-be father back to meet Joanna at their house. From there, the three walked back to Jim and Leonard's, where Leonard was awake and getting ready for another night shift.

"Hey, Len," Jim greeted, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Sleep okay?"

"Yes," he replied knowingly, giving a smile. Then he turned to his daughter and son-in-law, a little surprised. "What do I owe the honor of this evenin' visit?"

Joanna was practically bouncing around, and she looked up at her husband. "Daddy, we have somethin' to tell you. Just a few minutes before you head out?"

Leonard gave a look over at Jim, then waved them all over to the couch. "Let me guess..."

"We're not moving," Joanna insisted, "so don't even think it." She wrapped her hand in with Bill's, and smiled at him. "Your turn."

Jim unsuccessfully stifled a laugh. So that was it - Joanna wanted to tell Jim, just so Bill would have to tell old Father-in-Law McCoy the good news. Jim's fingers entwined with Leonard's, and he pulled his face into a straight expression. "Sorry."

"W-Well, uh, sir," Bill began, half-expecting another outburst. "Joanna and I...we're - she is expecting. We're going to have a baby."

Leonard's mouth fell slack in surprise, and his grip tightened on Jim's hand. "Wha...well, I can't believe it. Sweetheart," he said tenderly, and stood to give her a hug. She stood and nestled into her arms, and the two shared a quiet moment. He stroked her hair, his chin resting on her head, and he laughed quietly. "I'm gonna be a grandad."

When she pulled away, Joanna had happy tears in her eyes. She laughed as her father wiped his own away, then the two sat back down in their previous spots. Joanna looked over at Jim, and her tears were renewed. "Jim, we want to ask you something."

Jim shifted. "Anything, kiddo."

"We want you to be the baby's godfather. You're already their great-uncle, and it would mean so much."

Bill nodded in agreement. "Really. Leonard, this is for you, as well - we wouldn't trust anyone else to do it."

Jim looked at them for a long moment. He hadn't expected this at all, and looked to Leonard for the answer. "I..."

"Jim," Leonard replied sternly. "We're not gonna say no."

"No, of course," Jim laughed. "Sorry, I just...I never thought anyone would - "

Joanna was shaking her head, and she rushed over to him for a hug. "I love you, Jim. You took such good care of me growing up, I was never alone. I know that you can help this little one feel the same."

Today was just a day of good news and emotions. Jim nodded and whispered," Of course I will. Thank you."

Jim and Leonard saw the young couple off on the porch, wishing them a goodnight and a final congrats. Then they headed inside, where Leonard heaved a sigh and shook his head. "Well, I'm gonna be a grandfather - officially old."

Jim laughed and pulled him close. "No, not really."

"Oh, yeah? How'd ya figure?"

"Because that means I'm old, too, and I am _not_ old," Jim replied defensively. "Besides, I'm the one who really has the pressure put on him. Godfather? Who do they think I am?"

Leonard snorted and kissed his cheek, then eased from his arms to move into the kitchen. He picked up the medication bottle Jim always left there, then tossed it to him. "Take 'em, before you forget."

Jim looked down at the tiny bottle and winced. He thought, when he'd first started taking these, that things would be better. Unfortunately, his anxiety had been high even into his late thirties, and he'd had the same prescription almost every day for twenty years. He shook the contents ruefully, then nodded and popped the cap. "All right, doc, if you insist." He filled a glass with water, then took the pill and swallowed quickly.

Leonard had his bag in hand, and as Jim approached him he used his free one to pull Jim close. They shared a long kiss, then Leonard brushed a couple of fingers across Jim's chin. "Call me if you need me, darlin', I'll come straight home."

Jim folded his arms, but he secretly loved the attention even now. "I will. I'm a grown man, dammit."

Leonard smiled. "Sometimes I have my doubts."

When Jim got into bed a couple of hours later, he was grateful for that stubborn man of his. He really did hate being alone, and when Leonard worked night shifts, it made it more difficult to sleep. Jim tossed and turned for a while, trying to get used to the extra space. He finally nodded off around one in the morning, but his body kept waking him up. On a rare occasion, he'd sometimes wake up thinking he was still in Korea, with Pike's voice ringing in his ears. Then he would see the form of Leonard's sleeping body, relax, and go back to sleep.

Tonight happened to be one of those nights. Jim managed to sleep through most of the night, but when he woke it was with a start. His eyes darted around the room, and he found Leonard by their closet undressing from work. The older man hurried over and sat next to him, holding him close. "Jim?"

He felt out of breath, and moved to swing his legs over the side. He leaned forward, clearing his head, trying to shake the shakes away. Leonard rubbed his back comfortingly, and he huffed a laugh. "Ugh, I really am getting to old for this."

Leonard took his hand and squeezed it. "Want to walk outside? Or around the house?"

Jim shook his head, leaning against Leonard's chest. "No, I'm okay, it's not too bad. Probably just a bad dream - I don't remember anything."

"...Okay." Leonard kissed the top of his head, rocking him lightly. "Glad I got home when I did," he murmured.

Jim nodded, but he looked at Leonard guiltily. He just couldn't help it, even now. "Sorry. I think I'm okay, now."

Leonard just kept holding him, rocking him lightly even as he nodded. "I know you are. I just like holdin' you close, Jim. I'm always here for you, darlin', you know that."

They were words Leonard had said endless times, and yet, they still meant so much to Jim. He'd accepted long ago this horrible after-illness, this unexpected, horrible anxiety that threatened to tear him down. The only difference between before and now, was that he knew without a doubt that Leonard would always be there for him. He didn't think Jim was weak or pathetic for going through it - he'd seen Jim at his worst and lowest and still stayed with him. There was just no separating them, not ever.

Jim finally sat up straight, the sign that Leonard could let go. "Thanks, Len. Let's just get back into bed for a bit, I'm not really ready to get up yet," he laughed.

Leonard smiled and nodded, stood and finished getting into his pajamas, and snuggled down to let Jim wrap his arm around his stomach. Jim kissed the back of his neck fondly, and he smiled as he clasped his hand over Jim's. "Sleep well, Len," Jim whispered. "My hero."

"No, Jim," Leonard whispered, "you're mine."


End file.
